Full Flight…

The Story Behind The Song…..

(I have dyslexia so please excuse my mistakes & grammar)

There is one song that touches me like to other…

James Blunt, Goodbye My Lover.

There is a story behind my love for this song it’s a deeply personal story, if you are not in a good place mentally please DO NOT read on but save it and I hope one day you return at a better time in your life 🙂

It is a sad story, a painfully memory, but I survived…

In the Spring of 2006 my partner’s 2 sons got in touch with him after 9 years of no contact, we had been living together for 2 years at this point and had just got engaged at Christmas, so for me this new situation was scary because along with his boys came his ex wife…

As spring progressed so did my partners contact and plans to meet with his oldest son during the summer, my partner’s two sons are not from the UK but from Central Europe so as his son was only 16 years old at the time he was going to visit with his grandpa from his mother’s side.

All these plans were arranged without any consultation with me which was tough and hard to accept but at the end of the day who was I to come between my partner & his sons.

At this time I was very depressed I had moved away from my family to be with my partner to be close to his work and his work was taking over our lives, he would leave the house at 7am return home at 6pm go online to chat with his sons then go back into work and not return home till around 11pm.

I was so very lonely and I was struggling to cope with my depression, I was in a very dark place.

On my partners birthday in early July I really thought about the gifts I bought him, but it was to be a card from his two sons & ex wife that would win the day and brought about emotions I could only dreamed of stirring in him.

After this internally I was struggling with the whole situation, I know I was being selfish, I was jealous; I resented the attention they all got while I got nothing… it was basically eating me up inside but I said nothing.

Then one day the ex wife started saying hi in the chats…

Just to make it clear 9 years previous my partner had very nearly got back together with his ex, he said it would of only have been for the kid’s sake but still it nearly happened.

I envisioned this happening again, I had no confidence or self esteem so I was terrified of losing my man, my soul mate.

One night after yet more chats with his sons I could not hold my feelings in any longer I told him I had no issues or problem with his sons but I would prefer his ex wife played no part in our lives, I explained my fears that I believed she was trying to worm her way back in using his sons to achieve her goal.

We argued as he refused to stop contact with her, then my whole world fell apart my partner told me it was over, he had not loved for months and he said he only got engaged to shut me up.

Then he went to bed in the spare room.

I sat there for what seemed like hours, I cried and cried I was broken, in the early hours of the morning I was so desperate I rang my mum asking if I could stay with her for a while, she said NO ‘it wouldn’t work Julie’ and so I realised I had nothing… simply nothing.

I walked into the kitchen grabbed a 2Ltr bottle of coke cola & my box of medication… and I took the lot.

I left no notes, no evidence of what I’d done I even tidied up… I remember walking up the stairs to bed feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders, I felt free, relaxed…..

at peace.

Three months later I woke up in an intensive care unit, unable to speak due to a tracheotomy.

Goodbye My Lover, James Blunt’s song was the song I played over and over… the words touched me, still do to this day it was everything I needed to say at that time but could not..

On that note I shall leave you.. there is a second part to this story the happy ending if you like, but for fear of your losing interest I shall leave that for another day.

Thank you for reading…. if you still with me 😉

If you get a chance please check out the song, it is beautiful 🙂

x

Silent Sunday

Blog Therapy..

I am telling myself today will be a better day..

The comments on yesterday’s post, really did get me thinking not in a negative way but in a positive way..

It is only I that can turn my life round but I need to cling on to my strengths the things that make me happy, the people who make me smile… my ‘Positives’

I’m going to start with little steps, I’m going to plan more to give myself structure/routine & ignore people’s negativity towards me without loosing my ability to look at my own failings & learning from them..

I think from here on in… each evening I shall reflect on my day, in the shape of  ‘Positive’ bullet points which I will post on here, so when I start to get dragged back into my negative black world… I can reflect & draw strength from the positive things I do have in my life.

It’s a kind of blog therapy…

Will work.. ? who knows but I’m loving the concept !!

Thanks for stopping by..

x

 

 

Waste of space…

 

My life is in pieces at the moment.. this low is taking its toll on everything, my health, my confidence, my ability to connect with people & on my relationship..

I know I have many faults & believe me I really do…  everyone one around me blames me for everything that has gone wrong in their lives, I truly believe now that this is a fact !!! as I am the *common denominator* every time.

I can’t seem to get it together or make things better… I try but fail, I never set out to annoy or hurt anyone it’s not in my nature it’s just not me.. I’m surrounded by so much hate & its my own doing.

Bipolar is a curse & it has ruined my life..

I hate me.. I am the ultimate waste of space.. & the world is a worse place for having me in it !!

I’m sorry for all this depressing crap, I don’t want anyone’s sympathy just understanding… I just needed to off load & get stuff out my head because it is about to explode..

Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings..

x

Silent Sunday

Thoughts from my head…

It’s 1.15am (sh*t I’m in trouble!!)

*Whispers* How’s you ?? & How’s you doing ?? I’m tip top… verging on a tad hyper, but what the hell eh !!

Today has been a pretty damn good day for me ‘art’ wise I have dabbled in the world of *erotic* art & by bloody gum did I like it !!!

I am very pleased with today drawing (drawing to follow) it’ a different/new style for me & but it was fun to do.. I do hope it’s taken well & appreciated as a hell of a lot of work went into it !! (9+hours)

I draw from my heart… I give it my all it is an extension of me.. please take it & accept it that way x

It’s been a while..

Hello again…

I’ve been neglecting my blog.. shame on me !!

This is just a flying visit..

This week has been a rollercoaster of a ride seriously, I’ve had tears, giggles, anger, frustration, had a cleaning frenzy too & today a migraine from hell !! I’m exhausted I kid you not…

Next week is filling up too, Monday my care co-ordinator is coming to visit me, Tuesday I’m off out to lunch with a friend then Wednesday my journey of self discovery really begins… in the shape of my first appointment with a Psychologist..  exciting & scary

I will write more tomorrow promise..

Thanks for stopping by 😉

 

 

Today’s Photographs part 2..

Today’s Photographs part 1..